Panel beating

No it's not a second career in the motor trade...

While chatting with a friend I was reminded of a time a couple of years ago when I sat on an audition panel and thought this topic would make an acceptable first post.

During my third hour in the uncomfortable chair in the standardised, parquet-floored, dusty church hall it suddenly occurred to me that all the old adages like "they're on your side" and "they want you to be good" are completely true. But to my disappointment a large number of auditionees seemed determined to sabotage themselves with any number of tics and displays of oddity that would shame Michael Jackson. While I was obviously sympathetic to their plight and nervousness, having been there myself a hundred times before, I couldn't help being put off.

First impressions really are vital. Backing into the room looking lost, complaining about late buses, struggling with three bags, a coffee, a bottle of Evi and a book of "Monologues From Classic American Plays 1973-1978" is going to make a directors heart sink faster than asking who the company's union rep is.

Come in smiling, upbeat, giving an impression of a normal unmedicated (or at least successfully medicated) person whom one wouldn't mind having a few beers with. After all, often the panel are looking for someone with whom they will be working closely / sharing a dressing room/ stuck in a van for anything up to year.

For the chat section avoid ANY negativity: Now is not the time to bemoan the casting process, your agent, your year of unemployment or the DSS system. Avoid words like "disappointment" "loneliness" and "court order".

When the time comes to 'stand and deliver' and give those monologues that you've not touched in a year or whatever tripe you've been sent to read- simple, calm, ease is the way to go- just get up and do it. During my two days on the panel I was treated to hours of faffing: whole three act plays of people emptying their pockets of all manner of detritus (it makes you fearful of what type of acrobatic monologue is coming that can't be performed with change, a phone and decrepit gum in the jeans) (and one can't help worrying about an actor that needs to carry a penknife! True story).
Other mini dramas included people rolling down their spines, pacing, breathing heavily, humming and possibly worst of all standing in silence with their back to you for what feels like minutes before whirring round and launching into "Rat in the Skull" (And while we are on the topic why not pick something light, if you can make the panel laugh they will be much better disposed towards you. Fact: It is hard work listening to speech after speech about cutting oneself and inappropriate familial touching.)

Once the work is out of the way don't be surprised if the chat after is brief, there is probably a buggered schedule to try to stick to. If you have further important queries like "when are you looking to finish casting by?" by all means ask but don't feel obliged to respond to "Do you have any other questions?" with "Peter Hall: Still innovative after the knighthood?" when a simple smiling "nope, i don't think so at the moment" will do. Thank everyone, smile, wish them luck, smile and make a graceful exit (once on exiting I walked into an adjoining kitchen and had to re-enter red-faced and have a second go).

When you are clear of the building you can collapse, smoke, phone a friend for support/a beer and try to forget that your plans for the next few months and what seems like the destiny of your career is in the hands of a stranger who seemed indifferent to your finest Jimmy Porter.

In short be organised, calm as possible, positive, smile and if you ever get the chance to spend a day on the other side of the trestle table grab with both hands.